Humor

OMG, My mother was right about everything.

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My house is not dirty. I just have everything on display. Like a museum.

Mom Mommy Mom Mom Mommy Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. There's no better job.

Mom, watch this! is your child's equivalent of "Hold my beer." It usually means something foolish and dangerous is about to take place.

I used to have a handle on life. But the handle broke off.

I want to be a mature adult. I really do. But I also want to eat ice cream and wear pajamas all day. Do you see my dilemma here?

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

I was diagnosed with OCCABD. Obsessive, compulsive, cursing, angry bitch disorder. There is no cure.

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.

Instead of "single" as my relationship status, I prefer "Independently Owned and Operated."

I don't go to the hair salon to get a haircut. I go there so someone will massage my scalp, tell me I look amazing, talk to me about anything other than cartoons, and mentally prepare me to go back to battle for four more weeks.

Unless your parenting advice includes which wine pairs best with six loads of laundry, kindly keep it to yourself.

My boat. My rules

Always carry a knife in your purse. You never know when there will be cake.

HOUSE RULES Love on another Use kind words Play outside Laugh out loud Try new things Do your chores Tell the truth Bedtime kisses Keep Promises / 12"x24" Reclaimed Wood Sign

You know what I love about people? Their dogs. Pillow

Controlling my tongue is no problem. It's my facial expressions that need some work. / 6"x6" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Dear Santa, I was good at being naughty. Does that count? / 6"x6" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Eat sleep ski / 10"x10" Reclaimed Wood Sign

As a parent, you often realize.... This IS my circus. Those ARE my monkeys. / 10"x10" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Always be yourself. Unless you can be your cat. Then always be your cat. / 12"x24" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Always be yourself unless you can be your dog. Then always be your dog. / 12"x24" Reclaimed Wood Sign

As long as we do it all exactly as I planned it, I can be totally flexible. / 14"x14" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Day drinking on the water / Natural Tote Bag

Hit me with your best pot / Natural Kitchen Towel

I was going to throw in the towel but then I remembered how much laundry I already have / Grey Kitchen Towel

Always be yourself unless you can be a mermaid. Then you should always be a mermaid. / 12"x24" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Every day, I understand the phrase, "I'm getting too old for this shit," on a whole new level. / 14"x6" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Laugh like you're ten. Party like you're twenty. Travel like you're thirty. Think like you're forty. Advise like you're fifty. Care like you're sixty. Love like you're seventy. / 28"x28" Reclaimed Wood Sign

Lord Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth Amen / Kitchen Towel